After a grueling 48-hour compute cycle on the Stanford cluster, Phil DePond has successfully simulated a single strand of carbon-nanotube pasta that has achieved consciousness. The spaghetti has already applied for tenure and is currently demanding a higher GPU allocation.
While trying to find a shortcut to the local Peet's Coffee, Hanfeng took a wrong turn at the Clark Center and accidentally surfaced in the lost city of Atlantis. He has reportedly brokered a research collaboration with Poseidon regarding underwater additive manufacturing.
In a bold move toward sustainable computing, Myung Chul has replaced the group's main simulation server with a particularly athletic hamster named "Turbo." Benchmarks show a 400% increase in productivity, provided Turbo is supplied with high-grade organic sunflower seeds.
During a routine polymer network simulation, Eliana accidentally hit 'Enter' with too much force, causing a localized fold in the space-time continuum. As a result, Tuesday now occurs twice a week, and the lab microwave only heats things to exactly 4,000 degrees Kelvin.